On Kindness

Growing up, many of us learned that being nice, pleasant, or agreeable was rewarded with attention, affection, and love. It was – or became – an unspoken rule that love followed from paying close attention to others’ needs, expectations, or emotional states, and from consciously or unconsciously adapting ourselves to meet them.

As children, we learn very quickly how to navigate life and our immediate surroundings in ways that allow us to form attachments and experience love and belonging. We do so to preserve our sanity and wellbeing. Learning to tune in to others’ needs and expectations – and finding ways to fulfil them – is indeed one of the most likely ways to succeed at this.

However, what proved to be necessary and effective when we were young can turn into a hazard to our mental health and wellbeing as adults. 

By focusing on what it takes to be a nice and agreeable person, we may neglect our own needs and desires, undermine them or lose access to them entirely.

We say and do things to be liked. 

We prioritise the needs of others over our own. 

We withhold the truth or wrap it in pleasantries to avoid the risk of rejection. 

But being nice is based on behaviour directed toward external validation. 

We may speak and act in a nice and pleasant way, but if doing so undermines our own needs and values, what we show others is not kindness – it is dishonesty. 

And for good reason.

The risk of rejection is a powerful force that drives us to preserve and protect our self from falling apart. For we may never have been given the opportunity to learn or experience that we are loved unconditionally – regardless of the deeds we do.

It is often around midlife that we realize or discover that by following this direction we are paying a huge price: the price of our own integrity.

From my own experience the greatest challenge at this point is to consciously risk being rejected. 

In full awareness.

To face the inner turmoil, the paralyzing shame and anxiety, and the urge to run away as fast as we can. 

It means truly tuning in to ourselves – by embracing our own needs and values and allowing them to guide our words and actions.

It means dropping the mask of pleasantry and facing the difficult conversations. Risking disappointing others for the sake of our own integrity. 

It means speaking our truth – not rudely or bluntly, but with compassion and clarity. 

For to communicate with clarity instead of pleasantry is to be truly kind.💛