Surrendering to Love

I’ve spent the last two days in a state of constant overwhelm, anticipating a medical treatment I will need to undergo. Minor surgery. A standard procedure. But still – surgery. I consider myself lucky to have never experienced this before, yet because of that, my (neurodivergent) mind spirals away, trying to get a hold of what to expect.

My thoughts are spinning, my anxiety spiking.

I picture myself lying there – under bright lights, unconscious, vulnerable, helpless – all control handed to strangers in green, navigating their way through the insides of my body…

The thought of surrendering myself to this situation and letting go of control sends shivers down my spine. And while I am dwelling in endless loops of fear-ridden thoughts, it suddenly hits me: this is why love scares us to death.

For love – true and genuine love – asks us to surrender. To dare lose control over “the situation” and face the Unknown. Vulnerable. Naked. Exposed.

Will our beloved reciprocate our feelings?

What if they don’t?

What if shame and hurt wash over us?

But wait –

what if they do reciprocate our feelings? Dare we hold their loving gaze?

What if, deep down, we don’t believe we are worthy of love and belonging?

Will their kindness bring to light what was once hidden in the dark well of our unconscious?

What if they turn around and leave once they get to see all of who we are?

Love evokes feelings and sensations in us that can be overwhelming. We cannot predict the “outcome” of love’s course.

Will joy, anguish, dizziness, bliss, desperation, disappointment, hurt or happiness wash over us if we surrender to love?

How can we prepare ourselves for the quest of navigating these stormy waters?

It is impossible.

And yet, I believe it is worth taking the risk – letting go and surrendering to this beautiful, exciting, and utterly frightening journey we call love.

There is a special kind of beauty and comfort that follows the moment we dare to let go and surrender ourselves to the deep waters of this great Unknown.

Allowing love to carry us through its endless tides.

Trusting its wavy flow.

Trusting the process.

The circular rhythm of loss and renewal, fear and hope, pain and joy...  

I will remember this when lying in my hospital bed, being prepped for surgery, surrendering myself to the Unknown...